pengorbanan seorang aku

ain, adib and bia

i am totally missing out on everything.all the kenduri's, my cousins' weddings, seeing my cousins' kids and babies growing up, on-the-way babies, attending my bestfren's wedding (last saturday), celebrating my parents' birthdays, my frens' birthdays, i cudnt even see my cousins who came back from brazil and my other cousin and aunty who's gonna come back from new york soon...conclusion, everything and everyone lah.

that..made me lonely and guilty and sad and most importantly, left out. all this sacrificing im making is wearing me out. god, i miss them so much. just today, i found out that my family has another baby boy. he's 2 days old. I'm lucky that i even know about this. the mother who is my cousin, buzzed and showed me her cute little baby thru the webcam. then just now, my mom called giving me updates. my cousin officially opens a nursery last sunday, my close cousin is heavily pregnant (she was telling how big her belly is), the other cousin from ny is coming back with her mom on the 28th (and they were asking if im coming back), the one from brazil is going back to brazil for 2-3 days and then coming back to mesia again for his brother's wedding. *sigh*

the best part is that..i dont even know my cousins' babies. i dont know their names, how old they are, how big they've grown. i'm not there to witness their smiles and laughter. and i bet, they dont know who i am either. those 3 kids on the above picture probably cant remember me anymore. ain and adib were close with me before because when i was in cyber, i've always drop them a visit. i miss hearing them calling me aunty nana. and the hug that adib always give me everytime he sees me. and the sloppy kisses ain & adib always planted on my cheeks.

i never felt this left out before. probably it was my fault. choosing to come here instead of staying home. i could have just go to a local uni and not be too far away from everyone else. the first few months was cool. i was kinda the 'centre of attention' for being in overseas. families and frens talk (chat) to me alot. it was exciting. then..i was 'forgotten'. the attention subsided. i wasnt cool anymore. i was and am boring. those who always talked to me dont talk anymore. people got used to me being far, so there's nothing special about it. and i got used to the idea that that's just how it is. now, im not accusing anyone of anything..im just saying, this is perhaps the price i have to pay for making such decision.

nevertheless, i do appreciate those who still talk to me online or thru facebook or watever regardless of the purpose. i love it when i have someone or someones to talk to. because i am damn bored and cold and lonely and hungry for buttered prawn and chili crab. *sigh* i wish someone cud cook for me.

nana tak balik ke?