To Sink or Swim

to be honest..i'd rather Sink.Sink.Sink.i cant swim so i choose to Sink.i mite struggle for breath but i'd just let go.until i reach the bottom of the sea where no one cud save me nor look for me.

in reality, its already happening and wud probly continue till i-dont-know-when.why, u mite ask.because..
im tired.tired of being the sane one in the family-or so i thot--.i've been keeping alot of things to myself.thinking that i can handle it.but no.i cant.but i am trying.and the risk i took for trying cud drive me insane.if not now,soon...
i've been wallowing.i've been crying.i've been angry.all of these are the things that i get from Sinking.of swallowing everything and just keeps on adding the weight till i cant stop to breathe.and i was thinking.who'd save me?wud there be a Lifesaver to save me from these misery?i cant answer that.cuz until now, no one has come to rescue me.thats plain sad, huh?
sometimes, when i feel like pouring my heart to someone...i'd become paranoid.i wud think whether he or she is really listening to me or just for the sake of lending their ears to me?then it wud just be another story to tell.people say that its not good for us to keep things to ourselves.and yet, they are the ones who's not listening.they Hear but they dont Listen.thats why i'd rather keep it to myself.whether its big or small thing.
other than that, i dont like the idea of crying my eyes out to people.i mean, that just show how pathetic u are rite?crying endlessly thru out ur life.but thats not the case for me.when i cry..man i look ugly!!hhahaha..ok,seriously..i cry because there's no one here to listen.i cry because i cant take it.i cry because i feel like when the tears fall, they're represent the waterfalls of problems that i keep inside.and when i stop.i feel better if not worse.with my swollen eyes..i'd sleep it off by doozing till the sun comes out and say hello.
how i wish that i have someone close, for me to tell everything there is to share.not just families, besfrens, frens or ex boyfrens..but someone close.someone that wud actually Listen.someone thats always there when i need a shoulder to cry on.someone that cud offer me warmth and wud care enough about me.not a boyfren.just a person.preferably male.hahahahaha.. (^_^)
i found one actually, but he got lost.coincidently..he got lost in the SEA.sea of his own thoughts and plans.i dont know how i lost him.or..rather how he lost me.nah..it cant be neither.coz we never had each other.what we had was just a "frens-with-benefits" relationship.it was good while it lasted.i admit that i drowned after i found out about something he never mentioned.and boy, was i stupid.i have been stupid all along.thinking that maybe we cud have something..a spark or whatever..but i was stood up.big time.
as a fren's status always said, "he's not coming back and she's wearing black" (did i get it rite?)...(i dont know the relevance of me inserting that) but that cud somehow sum up the situation that i went thru a year ago.he is not coming back..and i wud be reminiscing.i hope that wherever he is now, that he is truly happy.i wonder if he ever thinks of me once in a while.no, dont answer.i bet the answer wud clash with the one i want to hear.
*sigh* i'd do anything to see him again.opss..sorry.im suppose to wear black rite.

thats about it for now.will definitely resume later okay.thanx for spending some time to read this.and to some, thx for supporting all this while.u know who u are.
-xoxo-